Sick

I'm sick. Not just a little sick, sicker than I've been since I was expecting my 6 year old son in December of 2003. Really, sick. Debilitating sick. I have sinusitis, the same I had in 2003, except this time it struck harder and faster than ever before. I haven't eaten in almost 4 days and have been staying alive on pedialyte. I'm so pale that my daughter told me she was scared of me, and my son said that I was so hot that hugging me made him sweat. With a fever of 100.2, I finally got into the doctor yesterday. I'd lost 5lbs in 3 days. Scary when you are 31 weeks pregnant. So, I'm on amoxicillan for the next 14 days, and hopefully it will clear up soon. No relief yet. She said that my eardrums looked like balloons about to pop they were so full of fluid and that if they burst to call her for some drops to prevent and infection there as well. Lots of coughing and nose blowing, but the sinus pain and pressure remain a terrible reminder that I ignored this illness a bit too long. Oops, sorry, I was too busy being Mommy!

I'd like to give a shout-out to the PCM I just found yesterday! She's less than 5 minutes drive from my house, got me in on a Friday, even though I was a new patient, and I was in and out in about 25 minutes. My blood pressure was FABULOUS, and she was very thorough! She was as confused as I was as to why my OB felt this illness was not her problem, and advised me to go to a PCM instead of coming to her office. She said that if it were her, she would have wanted me to see the OB so there could be a quick check on the baby with the possible dehydration (I'm not, because I've been drinking 4 Liters of Pedialyte/day since I was throwing up, but my OB does not know I'm not dehydrated) and weight loss (5 lbs in 3 days in the 3rd trimester isn't good for anyone, common sense, right!?). She was awesome! I haven't had a PCM (Primary care Manager) since 2002, so it's nice to finally have a doctor I can visit when I'm sick!

Here's hoping I feel better soon because the chores around here are piling up! Ack, where's my Sister Wife!?

Also, a Thanksgiving update...my Mother convinced my step-father to cancel their trip to MI. They will be coming here for Thanksgiving with my Great Aunt, so there will be 8 of us. I'm glad they are coming, but I know that it comes at a price since they were both more than content to go to MI and not have anything to do with us. I just have to put that behind me, and make it a nice lesson for my kids in being the bigger person. Here's hoping I can be successful.

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"When you're out, you're out"

I almost don't know where to start this post. So, I'll just start at the beginning. I am an only child, and my 3 1/2 children are my mom's only grandchildren. I was looking forward to a Thanksgiving full of Turkey eating, pumpkin pie, and my family in my home. That's not going to happen. I received this e-mail yesterday:

"Hi honey,
Please send me some halloween pics,I printed the ones of Ruthie at school and
the ones of Charlie,but I don't have any Lily pics. I think Dad and I are going to go up to Michigan for Thanksgiving since you are staying home. I think we are going to have a little get away before I have to have the kidney biopsy and dr appt in Dec. Love,Mom"

I would like to take this time to point out that they are not going on "A little getaway"
, they are going up to Traverse City with my STEP DAD'S brother and his wife to visit their daughter and son in law. We have a very long past, ML, H, and I, wherein they treated me like garbage growing up, and have continued to treat me as such now that I am an adult. To say I dislike them is a MAJOR understatement. Besides, last year we "stayed home" and had my parents, and my husband's entire family up here at our house. It was ok then, but this year, since my in-laws aren't coming (which was a disaster by the way, oil and water folks...) my Mom has decided she'd rather be with someone else's family. It hurts. A lot.

How do I even explain to you the seclusion of being an only child with a mother that worked overtime electively? How do I explain the pain of a childhood where my Mom would rather be at work and leave me at a sitter M-F 4:45AM-6:00PM and then elect to work overtime on the weekend even though we didn't need the money? To say I had a shitty childhood would again, be an understatement, but I've worked through most of it, and determined to make life better for my children.

There isn't an event I have missed by choice, and I would break my neck getting there even if it killed me. I even walked around my neighborhood with my 6 year old son on a pulled tendon because he wanted to try to sell popcorn to our neighbors. It hurt like hell. But I did it anyway, because I'm his MOM.

Anyway, when I called her this morning, it didn't go well. I tried to start off with other things, but then the conversation turned to Thanksgiving. I told my Mother that if she doesn't come and be with HER FAMILY that she's out. Not to bother coming or calling me for Christmas, and not to get my kids ANYTHING. I told her to act like I never existed because that's where it's headed, I'm already so far out of her life because I am very independent, because it's the way I was raised, NOT TO NEED HER. Now, at 29, she suddenly expects me to need her all the time? Why? Why would I want them up here when they gripe and groan about the drive (but expect me to make the same drive 7 1/2 months pregnant) and complain that I have too many kids and I don't need another one. Why would I do that?

It hurts that she doesn't want to be with us, but in the end, it's her choice. If she would rather go with my Step-father and follow him off the cliff, then I can't stop her. She is controlled by this man, something I would never, ever allow myself to be. it's sad,and it's unfortunate, but he's holding a grudge because I wouldn't let them take my 6 year old son with them to a cottage on a lake surrounded by his family that hates me, and always treated me like shit. My son can't swim, and my step Dad is the only person that watches him when he's at their house, add in large amounts of alcohol, and my Step Dad passed out on a beach, and who would be watching my son??? Nobody. That's why I would not let him go. Period. He's my child, I get to say NO.

Anyway, my Mother has ultimately made the decision, I didn't know it was me or them, but apparently it was, and they won. I give it 6 months before she's crawling back because she finds out what nasty, wretched people they really are. By then, it will be too damn late! I am more sure now, than ever before that this is the work of my step father. What a hateful self-loathing individual he is.

Like the title says, "When you're out, you're out" and she and her husband are definitely out. I can't do it anymore, the mind games, the manipulation, the trying to make me some sort of dependent freak that I will just never, ever be...I'm done. Washing my hands of it starting now.

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"Courtesy"

When did it become ok to receive a phone call from someone and not call them back? How about, when did it become ok to order something from someone, not pay for it, and then not return their phone calls either? I am seriously dumbfounded people!

Let's start with the not calling back. I have 2 recent instances I'd like to share with you.

Instance #1

My son is in First grade. He decided he wanted to join the orchestra his school offers and play violin (They only offer Violin, Cello, and Viola). I had received a notice home that I was responsible for an extra $40 fee for my son to have the privilege of playing in said orchestra, and that it was to be paid before he would be allowed into lessons. I paid it, weeks passed. Soon, the day came that the violins arrived at the school. I received another notice home about the $40. I would like to take this time to mention that I paid the initial $40 in CASH because our school and district take MONTHS to cash checks which is really annoying if you have a type A personality like mine. I immediately called the school and asked to talk to the music teacher. I left a voicemail and waited. I did not hear from him that day, so I called again the next day, and apparently he had a substitute that day. I left a message with the sub, and expected he would call me upon his return the next day. Nothing. I called again on Friday and asked him to please call me back as the class was starting Monday and I wanted my son in it, but that I had received this letter after already sending in the $40 payment. I never heard back. I went ahead and sent a check so that my son could attend his first day of lessons. Two weeks later, Mr Music teacher called me and left me a message. I, unlike him, had the common courtesy to call him back and ask where my $40 in cash had gone? Apparently, he had no idea. So, 1 day/weekly lessons have now cost me $80 instead of the $40 it cost everyone else. ARGH! The whole point of me calling BEFORE was to talk to him about this before sending my $ in, because once you send it, it's gone...common courtesy folks!

Instance #2

My son's school has something called "Spirit Wear". I ordered my son a t-shirt last year in his "Village Color" (The tiles are different colors in each hallway to help the kids learn where their classrooms are. Each hallway has 8 classrooms and is called a Village). I paid by check, and sent in the order with the form on September 10, 2010 with the promise that the personalised football jersey I ordered would be in "Mid October". I had planned on my son wearing this football jersey as part of his Halloween costume, so I was really hoping it was going to be in. The PTO (Because they are too cool to call themselves a "PTA") cashed the check October 14, 2010. Usually, once they cash the check you receive your item. Unfortunately, I still have not received my son's item. I have called the chairperson in charge of "Spirit Wear" every day last week, and this week to try and find out what is going on. If we are not going to get his jersey for whatever reason, I just want to know, and, I want my $28 back too! I still have not heard. Today, I called the president of the PTO to hopefully get a call back from her to find out what is going on. I just don't understand what is with my generation and the lack of care, I took the time to call you,so OBVIOUSLY, I CARE, the LEAST YOU CAN DO is call me back! It's very frustrating, and, of course, my son had to get a different Halloween costume. Boo!

I just don't get it. I stopped helping this PTO because I helped on a fund-raiser last year only to have someone else come in and screw up all of my tallys, and then they gave out my HOME PHONE NUMBER while I was on vacation (Because the fund-raiser ran over 2 weeks and into my vacation) and I came home from New Mexico to nearly 50 angry parents on my voice mail. That was it for me. This year I am helping more in the classroom because I don't have the time, nor the patients to wade through the catty hen house that is out PTO, and I don't care who is who, I just care that my kid is getting a good education. However, a good education includes the common courtesy to return calls, at least his regular teacher understands that because nobody else around that school does!

Now, let's talk about buying things and not paying for them, and not calling back.

Over the last 2 weekends, my son and I have canvassed our neighborhood selling popcorn and taking donations for his Cub Scout Pack. My little boy has worked very hard to achieve his goal of selling $650 and beyond, I'm very, very proud of him! However, there were a few people in our neighborhood that refused to pay for the popcorn in advance (So I would have to pay it when I submit the order on Saturday). I don't understand this. I can't go on EBAY and say "I want this blanket, but I don't want to pay for it today, I want to pay for it when it arrives at my house. Nobody does that, and I know it's for a good reason, they might be out the cost of said blanket. However, when you have a 6 year old child and his mother standing at your door that live less than a block away, it's a pretty good assumption that you are going to get what you have ordered. I busted my butt calling other parents in the back and wrangled up all the items that were ordered (so they will be delivered and I can get the $ before it's due Saturday!) This was no small feat as it involved driving to other parents houses, 1/2 tank of my gas, and hours and hours on the phone. Add this to the hours and hours I spend making Den Meeting plans, attending functions, and parenting my own 3 children, plus running a house, and you have 1 exhausted expectant Momma. But. I. did. It. Yesterday, I called all the people that ordered popcorn and haven't paid. I have yet to hear from any of them. You can't tell me they are all on vacation. In fact, 1 gentleman ordered an $18 bag of toffee. I got it in the next day, and tried to deliver it, no $. So I went again, a week later, still no $, and his wife still wasn't home. So, I left my name and # and asked him or his wife to please call me so that I could get the toffee delivered and the $ for my son's pack. I still haven't heard, and that was Saturday with a follow-up Tuesday. I am at a loss. Should I be responsible for HIS order? I think not. I might just have to cross him off and return his toffee to the packmaster. Boo. I'm not talking about money that goes to my son, he doesn't get any of it directly, he only benefits through his pack and council. I think it's disgusting and selfish of these people to act the way they are.



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"Lost"

On Tuesday I went to Wal Mart. Our Wal Mart is huge, it's one of those gigantic Supercenters with a parking lot that is just as big.

As I pulled into the spot, I was focused on getting the things on my list and getting out in record time. "In and Out, nothing that's not on the list" I reminded myself. Then, I noticed there was an older lady standing in the spot in front of me, clinging onto her cart and looking lost. As I gathered my things, I wondered what she was doing there, waiting for someone, looking for her car, debating on whether or not to return to the store for a forgotten item?

As I exited the car, I decided I would ask what was going on. I approached the older lady, and as soon as her eyes met mine, the worry in them sent a shiver down my spine. "Have you lost your car?" I asked "No, my husband went to pull the car up for me almost 20 minutes ago and I haven't seen him. I don't know where he parked. I'm worried." With that, I asked some details on the car and found out that it was either a green Chevy or Ford, and that his name was Dominic. "You know how husband's are, sometimes they forget where they park and won't admit it, I'm sure everything is fine" I reassured her. I didn't have that feeling though, I had a sick, sinking feeling in my stomach and headed out huge air cast boot and all to find her wayward husband.

I headed out across the giant parking lot. My air cast boot felt like it weighed 400lbs as I put it in front of the other one step at a time. The baby in my belly flipped and flopped in what I can only explain as a reaction to the adrenaline that was coursing through my body. I figured that at least if something had happened I had a cell phone in my pocket and the benefit of 8 years of paramedic training behind me. I looked up and down, aisle upon aisle not finding any green cars. In the 4th or 5th aisle a 40-ish year old woman pulled up and rolled down her window "Did that old lady lose her car?" she asked. "No, she is looking for her husband that was supposed to have pulled up the car nearly 30 minutes ago." I replied. With that she said "Well, why don't you tell that cart guy over there and forget about it" and sped off. I continued to look.

After searching up and down every aisle, I headed back toward the lady. As I grew closer I noticed she was no longer standing with her cart, but with a cane, and looking much less concerned than she had earlier. I was relieved. As I approached them, I met Dominic, he was a wonderfully cheerful man, and explained that he had forgotten where he had parked the car, and then after wandering the lot himself had remembered he parked near the garden center (about 400 yards from where his wife was waiting) to put "the damn plant in the car". We laughed together, as I admitted that I have also forgotten where I've parked my car on occasion, and that I was glad they were reunited. I helped load the remainder of the groceries into the car and said I would take their cart with me to shop with. Dominic thanked me again, shook my hand, and told me that they are both 91 years old. "Congratulations, that's quite an accomplishment, I'm 29" I said, and wished them a good rest of the day.

I was glad to be able to help, and the throbbing in my leg that night didn't bother me nearly as much as it would have on any other day. It was well worth the pain to know that I helped out another person. I hope that I have at least instilled some hope in the older generation, so that they know we are not all self-serving brats.

I live by the principle my Grandmother taught me, "Always help when you can, even if you don't think you have the time". It was well worth my time, I spent almost 25 minutes looking, and helping to load groceries, but it was well worth my time to see the relief on Dominic's wife's face when they were reunited. What have you done lately?



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"Online"

There is a country song that Brad Paisley sings called "Online". I have heard this song a few times, but I guess I never really paid attention to it until yesterday. Here are the Lyrics found at http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/bradpaisley/online.html:

"Online"

I work down at the pizza pit
And I drive an old Hyundai
I still live with my mom and dad
I'm 5'3 and overweight

I'm a Sci-Fi fanatic
Mild asthmatic
Never been to 2nd base
But there's a whole 'nother me
That you need to see
Go check out MySpace

'cause online I'm out in Hollywood
I'm 6'5 and I look damn good
I drive a Maserati
I'm a black belt in Karate
And I love a good glass of wine

It turns girls on that I'm mysterious
I tell 'em I don't want nothing serious
'cause even on a slow day I can have a three way
Chat with two women at one time

I'm so much cooler online
So much cooler online

I get home, I kiss my mom
And she fixes me a snack
I head down to my basement bedroom
And fire up my Mac

In real life the only time I
Ever even been to L.A.
Was when I got the chance with the marching band
To play tuba in the Rose Parade.

Online I live in Malibu
I posed for Calvin Kline, I've been in GQ
I'm single and I'm rich
And I got a set of six pack abs that'll blow your mind

It turns girls on that I'm mysterious
I tell 'em I don't want nothing serious
'cause even on a slow day I can have a three way
Chat with two women at one time

I'm so much cooler online
Yeah I'm cooler online

When you got my kinda stats, it's hard to get a date
Let alone a real girlfriend
But I grow another foot
And I lose a bunch of weight everytime I log in

Online I'm out in Hollywood
I'm 6'5 and I look damn good
Even on a slow day, I can have a three way
Chat with two women at one time

I'm so much cooler online
Yeah I'm cooler online
I'm so much cooler online
Yeah I'm cooler online

While I don't want to be "one of those people", I'd like to say that I HATE this song. I loathe every single lyric, and the meaning behind them.

I know for a fact that my Sister In Law is one of those people that fakes who she is online. A self-proclaimed Atheist in real life, I frequently see her telling people online that she's "Praying for them" - it's a lie. She does not pray, nor does she believe in a higher power. -Sickening. She is also up on child abuse charges regarding my nephews which, in her twisted web of online lies has come to sound more like a mild misunderstanding where the children's mother is twisting and taking everything out on her. It's odd though, the State certainly doesn't see it that way. I don't understand some of the lengths she goes to to change who she is when posting online, other than the fact that if these women knew who she really was, they'd have nothing to do with her, just like me in real life.

I'm not really sure why it bothers me so much other than I am my real, 100% genuine person on the Internet. If you "know me" on the Internet, than you "know me" in real life. My opinions are the same, my actions are the same, and the raw emotions that I post, you can bet they are the same too. I don't hide anything about who I am, and I expect other online posters to do the same. Perhaps not on all of the blogs, as I've personally been a victim of having my photos and story stolen by a young girl in a desperate need for attention, but on forums, where I count on you to be there for me, I expect you to be genuine. What bothers me the most about this song is that it makes it alright for these fakers and liars to continue what they are doing. Lying has never been alright with me, and it's a big part of what is wrong with MY GENERATION. 1 White Lie Can Be Harmful, people! Remember that!

Disgusting.


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"October 15th"

From the 109th Congress in the U.S., H. Con. Res. 222, passed 25 July, 2007:

Whereas each year, approximately one million pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage, stillbirth, or the death of a newborn baby;

Whereas it is a great tragedy to lose the life of a child;

Whereas babies sometimes live within or outside their mothers' wombs for only a short period of time;

Whereas even the shortest lives are still valuable, and the grief of those who mourn the loss of these lives should not be trivialized;

Whereas during the past two years, Governors of all 50 States have signed proclamations designating October 15 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day;

Whereas the legislatures of the States of Arkansas, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Missouri, New York, Rhode Island, and South Dakota have passed concurrent resolutions recognizing October 15 of each year, as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day;

Whereas the observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day may provide validation to those who have lost a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth, or other complications;

Whereas recognizing Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day will provide the people of the United States with an opportunity to increase their understanding of the great tragedy involved in the deaths of unborn and newborn babies;

Whereas Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day would enable the people of the United States to consider how, as individuals and communities, they can meet the needs of bereaved mothers, fathers, and family members, and work to prevent the causes of these deaths; and

Whereas October 15, 2005 would be an appropriate day to observe National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day: Now, therefore, be it

Resolved by the House of Representatives (the Senate concurring), That the Congress--

(1) supports the goals and ideals of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day;
and

(2) requests that the President issue a proclamation calling upon the people of the United States to observe such day with appropriate programs and activities.



Please take a moment at 7 p.m. in your time zone on the evening of 15 October and light a candle for one hour. The goal is to have a wave of light passing through, to mark for just a short time the lives of such tiny beings who touched so many people very deeply.

Yes, today is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. It's always a hard day for me where I feel I get nothing accomplished as I sit around and think of all I've been blessed with, and all I've lost in the last 8 years. I think of my little twins that I lost in 2002, and that today they would be 8. I can't even imagine what they would look like, though I dream they would look much like Charlie. I went on to lose 4 more pregnancies, all of which have been devastating for the very same reason, we have lost so many children. Today I will say a prayer, light my candle, and cuddle my children. I will be most grateful for what I have, and try not to dwell on what I don't, because, the fact is, without my losses, I would not have the children I have today.

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"Injustice"

There are a lot of things that ruffle my feathers lately. Call it pregnancy, call it the heat, call it whatever you want, but I've been moved to post this blog today because of one of those things.

I have noticed lately that my husband does not feel he should have to do anything around the house. He grumbles when I ask him to take out the trash, and waits so long that usually, I've already done it by the time he drags his body up the stairs and out of the "office". At first, it didn't bother me a whole lot, I mean he didn't grow up doing chores like I did, and apparently had zero responsibility for anything. Then, I fell. Thursday I fell down the step in the garage and almost passed out. My primary concern was whether or not I had harmed our unborn son when I fell and hurt my left ankle as well as cracking my head on my car's headlight. My second concern was how I was going to get all the house-work done that I needed to get done in a cast, or worse. My husband immediately jumped up and did nothing to help clean the house. Instead, he opted for sitting in the basement playing video games while my parents came up and tended to the girls, and cleaned the house INCLUDING doing HIS DIRTY LAUNDRY.

I'm still a bit upset. You see, I don't believe in catering to my children's every single whim passed the age of 2. Once they are 2, they need to clean up their toys, and put their empty dishes in the sink. Apparently, my husband's parents did not feel the same. Also, I'm sick and tired of being a "single parent" meaning that I'm not only here alone 90% of the weekdays, but I'm alone in parenting our children as well. Sure, he yells at them when he's here and they don't listen, but I'm in charge of all the cooking, cleaning, dressing, bathing, etc...and you know what, I'm TIRED. I'm down right TIRED. I not only need help, I EXPECT help. I didn't get married first to be a single parent to our children. It sucks.

I noticed this weekend that my "little" (19 years) brother in law is the exact same way, no, he's worse. This kid is not even in charge of getting himself out of bed to go to COLLEGE. He doesn't wash his dishes, clothes, clean his room, or even take out his own trash. Seriously! This is such an injustice as this kid won't know how to clean or feed himself when he's on his own, or once his Mommy and Daddy aren't around anymore. He, like my husband, will depend on someone else to do everything for him, and his children, and it's just not fair to the wife. It's a terrible burden to carry, and a terrible uinjustice that this kid can't do anything for himself.

You learn to clean your room and do your chores at age 5, and slowly we will add more. By the time my son is 12 I expect him to wash his own clothes, as well as my daughters at the same age. I have no favoritism, they will all learn to be independent, functioning adults. My philosophy is out at 18, and you live at college.

If you've made it this far, God Bless You!

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